Shhhhhh... Listen.

"Hello, Darkness, my old friend.

I've come to talk with you again.

Because a vision softly creeping

Left it's seeds while I was sleeping.

And the vision

That was planted in my brain

Still remains.

Within the sound

Of silence."

I have loved this song since I was a little girl. I can remember being about 4 when I would sit and listen. The words reaching me on some deeper level I couldn't comprehend at the time.  Even when I hear it now, I find myself in a place of stillness within myself.  It is a song that silences me.

Don't laugh. I know that seems like an impossible feat.  Ha ha. It is true, though.  Something in the rhythm as it begins catches me. Something in the words pulls at me.  Somewhere in the near reverence in their voices, as if speaking to the silence, I am held.  I am captivated.  

Silence has so often been a place of fear for me.  I think that is likely true for many people. That is why we fill our lives with a much noise as possible.  Radios, TV, cell phones, YouTube, movies, useless chatter and small talk. I can think of dozens of times I have said something similar to the "nice weather we are having" comment to a clerk or the only other person in the elevator because the silence is uncomfortable.   I bet you have too.  That's not to say there can't be good found in the noise-makers.  I love music and have found a lot of healing and inspiration from it.  I would never want to be without it.  That is for another post, though. 


 Something recently has been pushing me in to the silence.  I have fought back.  It keeps pushing.  That must be a sign that there is something there for me to investigate.  I know. Trust my gut and go with it.  I struggle to do that.  It is incredibly hard for me to do that.  Every time I try, I panic.  I don't like what is in the silence. I don't like who is in the silence.  I don't want to face what is within the silence.  I'm not comfortable being alone with the silence.  Maybe it's an issue of trust.  
Friends I have tried to explain this to before seem to misinterpret my fear for that of being afraid to be by myself.  That is not at all my issue.  


My issue... is me.


I am what is in the silence... the one in the silence.  I am the one I don't want to face, and don't want to be alone with.  When it is quiet, I start to think.  I start to try to process all of the things rolling around in there. Try to make sense of things. I hear that small voice within starting to try to reach out to me and I squash it.  I don't want to hear it. I can't bring myself in to the silence to listen.
It seems to me that this is some issue of trust.  Trust in myself.  My "higher self" if you will. My intuition. My gut.  My God?  Whatever or whomever, I don't trust it/them/me. 


Why?


Clearly there is a need to do this or I wouldn't constantly feel this "push" to be silent.  Silence is so unlike me.  I am not usually one to be quiet.  (again, stop laughing...)  I have tried it in baby-steps.  It is not at all easy, for me.  I think that is why the song I started with has magically made an odd appearance in my life.  Its been on the radio. I saw a YouTube video of it as a 9/11 memorial tribute.  It popped up on my IPod.  Someone is trying to get me to be silent.  The first verse plays over and over in my head... "a vision softly creeping. Left it's seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains. Within the sounds of silence."


I wonder what that vision is?  What is that wants to show itself to me? Or who?  


I have to come to terms with whatever is behind this fear of myself.  My friends tell me to get out, go for a walk.  Go be outside.  At first I couldn't do that.  Literally. The fear paralyzed me.  I couldn't put to words how I felt or what that was doing to me.  I don't think they got it. I'm still not sure they really grasp how dark a place that was and how debilitating it was, and sometimes still is.  I haven't yet been able to go, only now at least I understand why.  I wish I could make someone understand. I need to talk this through in order to work it out right in my head.  A therapist isn't the answer. I don't want to start over and explain to a stranger. I just want to get to the matter and deal. 


I bet that's exactly what the silence is trying to get me to do...
I hate it when I'm right.  What was it I said about flashlights in my last post? Duh.  I guess I need new batteries...

Flashlights and Neon Signs

The hardest part about starting over is figuring out how to start over.  There is no road map, and no guidebook.  There isn't even someone there telling you which way to go. It's feels like standing in the middle of a dark forest, and all you have is a little flashlight.  No matter which way you point it, it doesn't illuminate enough to help you know which way the road is.  All it shows you is the trees in your face, and the dirt at your feet.  You hear the noises, unfamiliar and undefined all around you.  So.... which way do you go?  Where IS everybody?

The forest can be a scary place when you're alone in the dark.  What I want is the neon sign with the big flashing arrow pointing "this way, dummy!"

I guess when I really think about it, I have had those neon signs a few times, and I ignored them.  Later, when I fell in a hole, I had time to think. I remember when I saw the neon, and smack myself.  DUH! I knew it all along!  Why didn't I believe myself?  Good question.  Why?  Why didn't I trust what I knew?

I think it's all a part of the whole plan. The scheme.  The big picture.  The puppet show we call life.  Its beyond what we can control, so we let it control us.  We feel helpless to stop the direction life is taking us so we sit back and coast along instead of standing up and yelling STOP!  Life is going to go whatever direction it is meant to, with or without our input.  We cant control it.  What we can control is how we chose to interact with our lives.  We can choose the path we walk.  Or we can choose to stand still.  We can close our eyes, we can cover our ears. We can change our minds and go with what feels easy or good at the time, or say no because we believe what we have right now is worth more attention. We can choose to try something new. We can choose to change nothing.  We can lie to ourselves and pretend for others.  None of it changes the path life leads.  It does, however, change how we lead our lives.

The neon signs are great for spotting something way off in the distance, and I look for them to be sure I'm still headed in the right direction.  Today, or any day, I would choose a flashlight first, so I can stop tripping over the shit at my feet and maybe get through the woods with a few less scrapes, bruises and broken parts.  Looking at the "big picture" gives us a goal, but seeing whats right at our feet gives us a better idea of what the next step is.

Stock up on batteries, my friends.  Its a big forest.

New adventures are supposed to be exciting and fun.  I suppose that is true most of the time, but sometimes life just begins an adventure that we weren't planning for.  Those times don't always prove to be that much fun.  They do, however, most often become the more significant learning experiences we receive. The tough part is what to do with those experiences.  They are, indeed, opportunities for us to learn from. Something that will be a part of our growth be it emotionally, spiritually, or mentally.

Growing pains are a very real part of growth. Especially growing up.  In essence, we are always in a state of growing up, but some are slower to start and make big strides later.  This is not the way I recommend. It usually hurts more! The lessons are swift and the steps come fast. Sometimes I don't understand why I don't take the "baby steps" as they present. Why do I avoid them until they are leaps and bounds?

Three Ways

Just listening to music by a group that seems to have some odd healing powers on me... Love the Wallflowers...


There's three ways out of every box
Fall out the bottom
Or you crawl out the top
There's three ways
Out of every, every box
But if you can't find your way out
Then you just burn it
To the ground
Then you'll disappear
Like smoke
Into the clouds

There's three ways off a merry-go-round
You either jump
Or you let it slow down
There's three ways
Off a merry-go, merry-go round
But if you can't put your foot down
Then you just burn it
To the ground
Then you walk away
Real slow
Back into the crowd

There's always somebody there for a laugh
Then you're the only one
That's left
Now that's what you get
Left behind in the wreck

There's three ways off a burning bridge
You pray for rain
Or you learn how to swim
There's three ways off of every
Burning bridge
But if you can't find strength
And you quit
Then you can just burn up
And sink
Then you'll drift away
Real slow
Down into the ground

Critical Mass

So many things happen beyond our control in life that it can be overwhelming just to try to get through the day.  I have been living that chaos.  Actually, I have been allowing that chaos to control me and keep me from really living. Coping is not living.  I have been coping, and I have not even been doing that very well.  Today, I choose to stop that.  I choose to live.  Things in my life have reached "critical mass".  I have to change course before I self-destruct.  I have begun to do just that.  It is a slooowww process.  Agonizingly so, sometimes.  I don't pride myself on patience.  Not one of MY virtues. Baby steps. 


My first realization in changing course, was recognizing what I am missing. I have gotten off-track with a few things that help keep me sane. I need to take a deep breath, relax, and start over.  Actually,  a friend of mine would challenge my notion of "starting over". Not possible, he would say.  I disagree. If each day is a new opportunity, then I can start over with the things I have done before by doing them in a new way. Taking each day like a re-birth, therefore allowing me to start over. If it were starting "new", that implies I have no prior knowledge. Wrong. In starting over, I take what I learned from previous experiences and use that to do it a new way, hopefully changing the outcome.  We will see what his take on my thought process is, I'm sure!  Either way, I have decided a new approach is best, and that means change. It also means retrieving things from my life that I have let go astray that bring me happiness... and peace.  That is, ultimately, what I seek.  


That being said, I pick up my proverbial "pen" and re-introduce myself to my blog. Writing brings me a great peace.  I have many journals around my home, for different things and topics.  I have dusted them off as well.  I love to use pen and paper. It feels more personal. I feel like I am leaving more of me on the pages than in using a keyboard.  However, I enjoy the idea of a blog as well. A different medium and a different journey. I welcome them back to myself.  Another piece of peace re-claimed. I have achieved what I set to accomplish today.  One baby-step at a time.  

A Place For Peace

I had some thoughts that have resurfaced. This isn't the first time feeling this.  I have this desire to create a place that is a living testament to exactly what this blog is all about.  I want to create a space that allows myself and others to "be" peace.  Something small and intimate where someone can partake in a variety of things that are meant to help bring about a piece of peace to the individual participating.  I want it to be something that uses multiple mediums and ignites varied senses.  Smells, textures, tastes, sounds and sights that can assist us in reaching moments of peace.
People's lives are so busy that I believe we often neglect ourselves until things become critical.  At that point we then rush to find a fix. We hope to find something to make it better, and ignore the fact that it is a process that needs to be tended to regularly.  I want to assist others in doing just that.  Tend to themselves.  Like I stated in my opening blog, peace is a state of being.  I don't think most people realize that. It can't be found. It must be created.  I want to help people do that.  I believe that in doing this, I will benefit from it by creating some peace for myself in the process.  I have always felt so good within myself when I'm helping others.  Maybe a regular, large dose of my peace can come from helping others know it for themselves.  It just feels right.  I hope I can discover a way to make it real.  Making peace can feel so good!

The details are fuzzy, and my ideas random, but I feel like I should keep a list of them somewhere.

• space to meditate
• art and craft projects meant to encourage a peaceful state of mind (like creating mandalas, dream catchers, photography)
• music and books
• aromatherapy
• massage
• foods that heal; comfort foods
• garden

It feels right to want it to be similar to a bed and breakfast atmosphere.  Most people wouldn't be able to leave their daily lives for a long period of time to participate so a weekend or day/evening plan seems to make sense.
I don't know if this will happen, but I like thinking about it.  Ooooh... another piece/peace!

Its In The Little Things

I spent some time trying to figure out how I was going to go about this task of finding ways to have pieces of peace.  I need to find  ways to get snippets of that state of being free of conflict or troubles.  Feeling the pressure of daily life makes this a task that requires planning.  Oops.  There I go again trying to "search" for it.  This morning I had a realization.  
I woke up early and had to get all the kids up and ready to get going to the curling club.  All three are in a Bonspiel and we had to be at the club by 9am.  First things first.  The dog had to go out and do his thing.  I leave the warmth of my bed and made my way to the door to let him out into the back yard.  Everything was white!  Apparently there had been a light snow and frost overnight and our world was frosted with a layer of white.  It was breathtaking.  It stopped me in my tracks.  There was something in the contrast of the dark of the tree bark and the white of the covered branches...... It was peaceful.
I couldn't help but take pictures.  There was such a stillness in the air and in myself as I stared out the windows.  There was my "ah-ha" moment.  I didn't have to find it.  It was right there for me.  I just had to see it.  Feel it. Be it.  


When my senses came to, I realized that I had discovered a piece of peace.  I also knew that in photographing the moment, it was there for me to feel it again.  Bingo!  I am going to photograph as many moments of my peace as I can.  Anything that I encounter that lets me be in that state, even if only for a fleeting moment.  I can do that.  What a wonderful album that would be to browse through at times when I cannot find that state within myself.  Days when I just need a little help.  I think I may be on to something......