Shhhhhh... Listen.

"Hello, Darkness, my old friend.

I've come to talk with you again.

Because a vision softly creeping

Left it's seeds while I was sleeping.

And the vision

That was planted in my brain

Still remains.

Within the sound

Of silence."

I have loved this song since I was a little girl. I can remember being about 4 when I would sit and listen. The words reaching me on some deeper level I couldn't comprehend at the time.  Even when I hear it now, I find myself in a place of stillness within myself.  It is a song that silences me.

Don't laugh. I know that seems like an impossible feat.  Ha ha. It is true, though.  Something in the rhythm as it begins catches me. Something in the words pulls at me.  Somewhere in the near reverence in their voices, as if speaking to the silence, I am held.  I am captivated.  

Silence has so often been a place of fear for me.  I think that is likely true for many people. That is why we fill our lives with a much noise as possible.  Radios, TV, cell phones, YouTube, movies, useless chatter and small talk. I can think of dozens of times I have said something similar to the "nice weather we are having" comment to a clerk or the only other person in the elevator because the silence is uncomfortable.   I bet you have too.  That's not to say there can't be good found in the noise-makers.  I love music and have found a lot of healing and inspiration from it.  I would never want to be without it.  That is for another post, though. 


 Something recently has been pushing me in to the silence.  I have fought back.  It keeps pushing.  That must be a sign that there is something there for me to investigate.  I know. Trust my gut and go with it.  I struggle to do that.  It is incredibly hard for me to do that.  Every time I try, I panic.  I don't like what is in the silence. I don't like who is in the silence.  I don't want to face what is within the silence.  I'm not comfortable being alone with the silence.  Maybe it's an issue of trust.  
Friends I have tried to explain this to before seem to misinterpret my fear for that of being afraid to be by myself.  That is not at all my issue.  


My issue... is me.


I am what is in the silence... the one in the silence.  I am the one I don't want to face, and don't want to be alone with.  When it is quiet, I start to think.  I start to try to process all of the things rolling around in there. Try to make sense of things. I hear that small voice within starting to try to reach out to me and I squash it.  I don't want to hear it. I can't bring myself in to the silence to listen.
It seems to me that this is some issue of trust.  Trust in myself.  My "higher self" if you will. My intuition. My gut.  My God?  Whatever or whomever, I don't trust it/them/me. 


Why?


Clearly there is a need to do this or I wouldn't constantly feel this "push" to be silent.  Silence is so unlike me.  I am not usually one to be quiet.  (again, stop laughing...)  I have tried it in baby-steps.  It is not at all easy, for me.  I think that is why the song I started with has magically made an odd appearance in my life.  Its been on the radio. I saw a YouTube video of it as a 9/11 memorial tribute.  It popped up on my IPod.  Someone is trying to get me to be silent.  The first verse plays over and over in my head... "a vision softly creeping. Left it's seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains. Within the sounds of silence."


I wonder what that vision is?  What is that wants to show itself to me? Or who?  


I have to come to terms with whatever is behind this fear of myself.  My friends tell me to get out, go for a walk.  Go be outside.  At first I couldn't do that.  Literally. The fear paralyzed me.  I couldn't put to words how I felt or what that was doing to me.  I don't think they got it. I'm still not sure they really grasp how dark a place that was and how debilitating it was, and sometimes still is.  I haven't yet been able to go, only now at least I understand why.  I wish I could make someone understand. I need to talk this through in order to work it out right in my head.  A therapist isn't the answer. I don't want to start over and explain to a stranger. I just want to get to the matter and deal. 


I bet that's exactly what the silence is trying to get me to do...
I hate it when I'm right.  What was it I said about flashlights in my last post? Duh.  I guess I need new batteries...

Flashlights and Neon Signs

The hardest part about starting over is figuring out how to start over.  There is no road map, and no guidebook.  There isn't even someone there telling you which way to go. It's feels like standing in the middle of a dark forest, and all you have is a little flashlight.  No matter which way you point it, it doesn't illuminate enough to help you know which way the road is.  All it shows you is the trees in your face, and the dirt at your feet.  You hear the noises, unfamiliar and undefined all around you.  So.... which way do you go?  Where IS everybody?

The forest can be a scary place when you're alone in the dark.  What I want is the neon sign with the big flashing arrow pointing "this way, dummy!"

I guess when I really think about it, I have had those neon signs a few times, and I ignored them.  Later, when I fell in a hole, I had time to think. I remember when I saw the neon, and smack myself.  DUH! I knew it all along!  Why didn't I believe myself?  Good question.  Why?  Why didn't I trust what I knew?

I think it's all a part of the whole plan. The scheme.  The big picture.  The puppet show we call life.  Its beyond what we can control, so we let it control us.  We feel helpless to stop the direction life is taking us so we sit back and coast along instead of standing up and yelling STOP!  Life is going to go whatever direction it is meant to, with or without our input.  We cant control it.  What we can control is how we chose to interact with our lives.  We can choose the path we walk.  Or we can choose to stand still.  We can close our eyes, we can cover our ears. We can change our minds and go with what feels easy or good at the time, or say no because we believe what we have right now is worth more attention. We can choose to try something new. We can choose to change nothing.  We can lie to ourselves and pretend for others.  None of it changes the path life leads.  It does, however, change how we lead our lives.

The neon signs are great for spotting something way off in the distance, and I look for them to be sure I'm still headed in the right direction.  Today, or any day, I would choose a flashlight first, so I can stop tripping over the shit at my feet and maybe get through the woods with a few less scrapes, bruises and broken parts.  Looking at the "big picture" gives us a goal, but seeing whats right at our feet gives us a better idea of what the next step is.

Stock up on batteries, my friends.  Its a big forest.

New adventures are supposed to be exciting and fun.  I suppose that is true most of the time, but sometimes life just begins an adventure that we weren't planning for.  Those times don't always prove to be that much fun.  They do, however, most often become the more significant learning experiences we receive. The tough part is what to do with those experiences.  They are, indeed, opportunities for us to learn from. Something that will be a part of our growth be it emotionally, spiritually, or mentally.

Growing pains are a very real part of growth. Especially growing up.  In essence, we are always in a state of growing up, but some are slower to start and make big strides later.  This is not the way I recommend. It usually hurts more! The lessons are swift and the steps come fast. Sometimes I don't understand why I don't take the "baby steps" as they present. Why do I avoid them until they are leaps and bounds?