Something Green

I've decided to re-visit my plan to take a picture a day and write about it. This is a slight deviation from the original "rules" that I stated regarding taking a picture of something that says 'peace' to me because I am now working from a pre-determined list of what to shoot.  I have set a calendar that has a idea for each day and I find something that fits the bill.  Not quite the same freedom I allowed myself before.  However.... I still think I can find the peace within this process based on what is in the photo and how it makes me feel. I have this idea that somewhere within that thought lies the opportunity to discover my peace, as was my original plan.  

Today's theme is 'something green'. Awesome!  I love green. It's my favorite color.  I love the color of the leaves on the trees. The bright green of fresh cut grass.  Moss.  Green can even be seen in water.  

Oops. I forgot to mention, its January in Minnesota.  Not a lot of green to be found.  Yes, pine trees are green.  Boring. I'm not a fan of them and am allergic besides, so that is a no. Money is green.  Christmas was 2 weeks ago so I don't have any of that!  Some of my decorations (yes, they are still up) are green but I really don't want to use those to start.  

I decide to turn to the fridge to find some consolation. Hey!  I haven't eaten yet today, and I deserve breakfast!  There is my green.  No, not growing on the leftovers that I need to dispose of.  My kitchen nightlight.  Its one of those scented tart warmer things you plug in and it melts the smelly wax and makes everything fragrant and yummy.  Its a pretty green glass mosaic that my mother gave me not too long ago.  I had been eyeing hers and I think she feared for its disappearance so she got me one of my own.  

Currently my warmer light is gently wafting the cozy smell of gingerbread in to the room.  I love that smell.  So warm, homey, delicious and...well... cozy.  That may seem odd but it gives me the feeling of wrapping up in a soft blanket with cookie in hand and hot chocolate nearby while a good movie plays on the television.  Snuggled up with someone I love nearby.  Cozy.  

Its funny how a smell can bring that much to a persons mind and senses. I can feel the blanket, almost taste the cookie and anticipate the smooth warmth of the chocolate as is slides down my throat.  

That, my friends, is peace.

I wonder if there is turkey sandwich scented wax?

So.... what are you bringing, 2013?

Its here.  The new year arrived.
I don't like New Years, and I don't get excited to celebrate it. I find it to be a time when we remember things from the ending year (and lets be honest, our memories hold better to the bad than the good) and we make resolutions for the new year that we all know that the likelihood of failure is greater than the chance of success.   I know this sounds so negative, and normally that isn't the kind of thinker I am.  I am usually accused of being a "Rose-colored glasses" bearer, but at years end/beginning I put on a different pair.  They are very grey.  I just don't like New Years.

I know that in our minds it gives us an opportunity to "wipe the slate clean and start fresh", but so does each sunrise.  Every second that ticks by is a new chance to make that change you seem so sure will work just because the calendar shouts a new number to its name. Its a new you at any turn of the corner but we wait until the page on the desk says to "set those resolutions now". Even the television and radio are shouting it.  Funny thing is, in February they will also be shouting about all the resolutions we have already failed to meet and now are being given a second chance to meet with a discount on a gym membership, a better rate on the car loan, or offers of a vacation hot-spot so we can fulfill the promise of more time with family and save a buck too!

Don't misunderstand.  All of those resolutions we make are good things and goals we should be setting for ourselves.  Most of us set them as an intention to do better, BE better than we feel we were the past year.  Noble goals, and valid feelings.  We all want to be better today than we were yesterday. There are always things we look back on and wish we could have done differently, and subsequently vow to choose wiser on when or if the situation calls again.  So go ahead and plan.  Set goals of intention.  Be mindful every day.  Just please do it because its Monday and not because we have to purchase a new calendar.

What I find most frustrating about the idea of resolutions is the anxiety that sets in when the goals are set, and the disappointment that ensues when one is not met.  Neither of these emotions are helpful, not to mention pleasurable to experience.  Isn't that what we want?  We want to experience pleasure.  We want help in the new year. We go to a big party with music, food, drink, laughter, streamers.  We count down the final seconds and shout welcomes to its arrival. We kiss our loved ones and shoot confetti at its arrival.  Why, then, does the rest of it make us regret its arrival?  We sneak the extra cookie when we resolved to loose weight.  We chastise ourselves for not going to the gym today because we just don't feel like it.  We make excuses when we spend the extra $5 that was suppose to go to the savings because that is the promise you made yourself and the mystical "year".

Believe me, I have a list of promises I thought to make to myself.  I haven't shared them with anyone. I haven't even officially written them down, so there is no evidence.  However, I already feel the stress of making them happen. The judgement of whether or not I took a step toward accomplishing them.  Its as if the New Year is a living thing and has eyes that watch my every move!  ISH! This is exactly why I will not participate in the resolution movement.  I never feel good about it.

Instead I am in search of a new kind of agreement with myself.  One that has everything to do with ME, and NOTHING to do with the pages of the time-tracker on my wall.  I will continue to use that to ensure I am on the right day as the rest of the world.  Use it to be sure I am going to work (or not, if that is the case) when I should be.  Use it to remember important events, and to anticipate things to come. I will not, however, pin a list or share with anyone what I plan to resolve this year in my life.

Funny thing is... I just noticed, I don't even have a "normal" 12-month calendar.  I have one of those 18-month planners, and the calendar on the wall is the school year calendar.  Clearly I have some aversion to the New Year that goes deep in to my subconscious. So be it!  Every day is a day to set a goal or plan to be new in some way.  I embrace that idea, and will not feel guilty!  Well, maybe a little.  Guilt has big claws...

My Own Theme Park

I thought about starting over with a new blog, a new idea and a new goal.  I thought that truly that would be better than trying to breathe life in to this one... again.  This may even be the third time I "re-started" this.

After deeper consideration, I realized there was no need.  This is my space and for my participation.  (yours as the reader goes without saying...) Sometimes my lack of contribution is its own statement.  My life has been a series of roller-coaster rides and all the ups and downs that accompany them.  I guess the "quiet times" were the times I was between rides, waiting in line for my ticket.  Silly.  My life takes place in my theme park and I have the unlimited ride wristband.  I just forgot to put it on.  

I'm wearing it now.... which ride should we go on first?

Shhhhhh... Listen.

"Hello, Darkness, my old friend.

I've come to talk with you again.

Because a vision softly creeping

Left it's seeds while I was sleeping.

And the vision

That was planted in my brain

Still remains.

Within the sound

Of silence."

I have loved this song since I was a little girl. I can remember being about 4 when I would sit and listen. The words reaching me on some deeper level I couldn't comprehend at the time.  Even when I hear it now, I find myself in a place of stillness within myself.  It is a song that silences me.

Don't laugh. I know that seems like an impossible feat.  Ha ha. It is true, though.  Something in the rhythm as it begins catches me. Something in the words pulls at me.  Somewhere in the near reverence in their voices, as if speaking to the silence, I am held.  I am captivated.  

Silence has so often been a place of fear for me.  I think that is likely true for many people. That is why we fill our lives with a much noise as possible.  Radios, TV, cell phones, YouTube, movies, useless chatter and small talk. I can think of dozens of times I have said something similar to the "nice weather we are having" comment to a clerk or the only other person in the elevator because the silence is uncomfortable.   I bet you have too.  That's not to say there can't be good found in the noise-makers.  I love music and have found a lot of healing and inspiration from it.  I would never want to be without it.  That is for another post, though. 


 Something recently has been pushing me in to the silence.  I have fought back.  It keeps pushing.  That must be a sign that there is something there for me to investigate.  I know. Trust my gut and go with it.  I struggle to do that.  It is incredibly hard for me to do that.  Every time I try, I panic.  I don't like what is in the silence. I don't like who is in the silence.  I don't want to face what is within the silence.  I'm not comfortable being alone with the silence.  Maybe it's an issue of trust.  
Friends I have tried to explain this to before seem to misinterpret my fear for that of being afraid to be by myself.  That is not at all my issue.  


My issue... is me.


I am what is in the silence... the one in the silence.  I am the one I don't want to face, and don't want to be alone with.  When it is quiet, I start to think.  I start to try to process all of the things rolling around in there. Try to make sense of things. I hear that small voice within starting to try to reach out to me and I squash it.  I don't want to hear it. I can't bring myself in to the silence to listen.
It seems to me that this is some issue of trust.  Trust in myself.  My "higher self" if you will. My intuition. My gut.  My God?  Whatever or whomever, I don't trust it/them/me. 


Why?


Clearly there is a need to do this or I wouldn't constantly feel this "push" to be silent.  Silence is so unlike me.  I am not usually one to be quiet.  (again, stop laughing...)  I have tried it in baby-steps.  It is not at all easy, for me.  I think that is why the song I started with has magically made an odd appearance in my life.  Its been on the radio. I saw a YouTube video of it as a 9/11 memorial tribute.  It popped up on my IPod.  Someone is trying to get me to be silent.  The first verse plays over and over in my head... "a vision softly creeping. Left it's seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains. Within the sounds of silence."


I wonder what that vision is?  What is that wants to show itself to me? Or who?  


I have to come to terms with whatever is behind this fear of myself.  My friends tell me to get out, go for a walk.  Go be outside.  At first I couldn't do that.  Literally. The fear paralyzed me.  I couldn't put to words how I felt or what that was doing to me.  I don't think they got it. I'm still not sure they really grasp how dark a place that was and how debilitating it was, and sometimes still is.  I haven't yet been able to go, only now at least I understand why.  I wish I could make someone understand. I need to talk this through in order to work it out right in my head.  A therapist isn't the answer. I don't want to start over and explain to a stranger. I just want to get to the matter and deal. 


I bet that's exactly what the silence is trying to get me to do...
I hate it when I'm right.  What was it I said about flashlights in my last post? Duh.  I guess I need new batteries...

Flashlights and Neon Signs

The hardest part about starting over is figuring out how to start over.  There is no road map, and no guidebook.  There isn't even someone there telling you which way to go. It's feels like standing in the middle of a dark forest, and all you have is a little flashlight.  No matter which way you point it, it doesn't illuminate enough to help you know which way the road is.  All it shows you is the trees in your face, and the dirt at your feet.  You hear the noises, unfamiliar and undefined all around you.  So.... which way do you go?  Where IS everybody?

The forest can be a scary place when you're alone in the dark.  What I want is the neon sign with the big flashing arrow pointing "this way, dummy!"

I guess when I really think about it, I have had those neon signs a few times, and I ignored them.  Later, when I fell in a hole, I had time to think. I remember when I saw the neon, and smack myself.  DUH! I knew it all along!  Why didn't I believe myself?  Good question.  Why?  Why didn't I trust what I knew?

I think it's all a part of the whole plan. The scheme.  The big picture.  The puppet show we call life.  Its beyond what we can control, so we let it control us.  We feel helpless to stop the direction life is taking us so we sit back and coast along instead of standing up and yelling STOP!  Life is going to go whatever direction it is meant to, with or without our input.  We cant control it.  What we can control is how we chose to interact with our lives.  We can choose the path we walk.  Or we can choose to stand still.  We can close our eyes, we can cover our ears. We can change our minds and go with what feels easy or good at the time, or say no because we believe what we have right now is worth more attention. We can choose to try something new. We can choose to change nothing.  We can lie to ourselves and pretend for others.  None of it changes the path life leads.  It does, however, change how we lead our lives.

The neon signs are great for spotting something way off in the distance, and I look for them to be sure I'm still headed in the right direction.  Today, or any day, I would choose a flashlight first, so I can stop tripping over the shit at my feet and maybe get through the woods with a few less scrapes, bruises and broken parts.  Looking at the "big picture" gives us a goal, but seeing whats right at our feet gives us a better idea of what the next step is.

Stock up on batteries, my friends.  Its a big forest.

New adventures are supposed to be exciting and fun.  I suppose that is true most of the time, but sometimes life just begins an adventure that we weren't planning for.  Those times don't always prove to be that much fun.  They do, however, most often become the more significant learning experiences we receive. The tough part is what to do with those experiences.  They are, indeed, opportunities for us to learn from. Something that will be a part of our growth be it emotionally, spiritually, or mentally.

Growing pains are a very real part of growth. Especially growing up.  In essence, we are always in a state of growing up, but some are slower to start and make big strides later.  This is not the way I recommend. It usually hurts more! The lessons are swift and the steps come fast. Sometimes I don't understand why I don't take the "baby steps" as they present. Why do I avoid them until they are leaps and bounds?

Three Ways

Just listening to music by a group that seems to have some odd healing powers on me... Love the Wallflowers...


There's three ways out of every box
Fall out the bottom
Or you crawl out the top
There's three ways
Out of every, every box
But if you can't find your way out
Then you just burn it
To the ground
Then you'll disappear
Like smoke
Into the clouds

There's three ways off a merry-go-round
You either jump
Or you let it slow down
There's three ways
Off a merry-go, merry-go round
But if you can't put your foot down
Then you just burn it
To the ground
Then you walk away
Real slow
Back into the crowd

There's always somebody there for a laugh
Then you're the only one
That's left
Now that's what you get
Left behind in the wreck

There's three ways off a burning bridge
You pray for rain
Or you learn how to swim
There's three ways off of every
Burning bridge
But if you can't find strength
And you quit
Then you can just burn up
And sink
Then you'll drift away
Real slow
Down into the ground